|I'm sure by now everyone in the free world knows I want another child and soon.
I don't want there to be a HUGE age gap between Gabby and her sibling. There was too much time between Jess and I. She was too young to pal around with as I got older. Hell I'm 25 and she's 18, we can't even go drinking together yet.
It's not that I don't love her, I do, we are have always been in two different places due to our ages. Sad but true.
I remember more fighting and arguing than anything else. When she wanted to be closer and sisterly like all I wanted was my damned space and privacy and god if I ever catch you in my room again your dead!!!! Dead you hear me?! Stop touching my stuff!! Gahhhhhhhhhh (she never did quite learn to leave my stuff alone though.)
And so on.
I understand that all siblings fight. I hear it all the time from those that were born very close together either they are close or bitter rivals. I don't think there is a perfect age gap, but I feel my time is getting short.
As it stands right now there will be no less than 5 years between Gabby and any child to come. And to me it's getting to be too much. (And I think that is Alex's plan. He knows I don't want a big gap and maybe if he puts it off long enough I'll give up. But that is not the case at all.)
And then there is my age. I know most everyone is rolling there eyes at me. "Shut up your only 25" or "Well how old does that make me?!" And yes right now I'm only 25, but I'm only 25 for the next 14 days. Then I'll be 26. And the closer you get to 30 the harder and more dangerous/problem prone child bearing is right? And I worry about this all the freaking time!!
I'm afraid of the age gap between Gabby and the child and I'm afraid of my age. Neither is getting less and the more there is the more problems there can be.
I don't want to be an "old" mom. I don't want to be very old when my babies graduate High School, or get married or have children or their children get married and have children. I want to experience it as much as I can for as long as I can and I want to be young enough to enjoy it.
This is where I am right now. I'm constantly bringing up the subject of another baby. Begging. Badgering. Nagging. Hoping. Dreaming. Wishing. Maintaining impossible and false hope until things start to run red. Because it is hope and hoping makes me happy. Bleeding puts me in to a slight depression (it always has. I always feel like a bit of a failure when my time comes and I have to say good bye to another opportunity. I think it's partly because you never know when due to natural or un-natural causes the chances will stop or turn bad(or that's how I see it))
But anyways. What to do. Alex is adamant he wants no more children. Absolutely none right now. Not until "I'm legal. We have more money. Until we are ready. blah blah blah"
I'm ready. Beyond ready. We can figure it out. Gabby starts school not this fall but next so unless she stays in her School and goes private we will have money freeing up.
Blah Blah Blah
Labels: baby fever, blah, hoping, relationship, wishing