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    8/19/2007
    So I think I need to unload a bit.
    Lately I've been feeling a bit out of sorts. It might just be because the end of the month is sneaking up on me and I'm female. It might have to do with the fact that I'm dealing with a lot of changes right now.

    I have no news on the job end of things. I'm still unemployed. Hopefully I will hear from Chase tomorrow. I want to get things sorted and done.

    I've also been dealing with a lot of things relationship wise. Do you know how frustrating it is to care enough, still, to tell some one that you are going to start looking out of state, before you do. And get excited when an opportunity comes around and you tell them when you know damned well you don't have to because fuck it's just an interview, but you still want to be courteous and give them a heads up, just to have them get pissed and start treating you like everything thing that is wrong is your fault even though none of this shit is your fault? Or how some one may twist everything as a slight against them.

    But I digress.

    See I read a blog, Amalah.com and I've been thinking about some of the posts on there lately. Such as this post where she says "I also think I am completely crazy and delusional and can apparently will fake pregnancy symptoms into existence through the power of my crazy delusional mind". Which I totally understand. That is a monthly game I play, even like now when it is physically impossible for me to be pregnant. Some times I think my body must hate me to play these mean little games. But I know it's not. It's just a physical manifestation of what I think about just about all the freaking time. Just a little more proof of Mind over Matter.

    I've noticed that the older I get the more home oriented my thoughts become. Less and Less do I want to work outside the house full time. More and More do I want a family to support in the more "traditional" way a wife and mother does. Constantly do I want a chance to house life again. To hear the baby coos and all the good and bad things that come with it.

    In the last couple months I've begun to understand more about what I want out of life. Where I want my place to be in life. What dreams I want to work hard at having realized. I am more than aware that I am very blessed to have Gabby. But why should that mean that I can't want more? Or why can't I want a traditional nuclear family?

    I met up with an old friend from High School last night. He told me a story about one of our old High School teachers. How she is married and living some where in BFE up North. How she has a couple of children and is deliriously happy. I've been thinking about this. And you know what? From the sounds of it she has my life, or I should say the one I want.

    I'm not a big city person. I hate it. Nice to visit not to live. I would love to be madly in love with my husband, and have the love returned. Live in a slightly more rural area (not hicksville though). Have a vegetable garden, some fruit tree's, a large yard for my babies. Please note the plural on that (however we are not talking to excessive amounts like the Duggar's who now have 17 yes 17 children. I'm only thinking of like one or two more). I want that somewhere to be north of the Mason Dixon line. I am no more a Southerner than I am a City Girl.

    So this was a very long winded way to say that I have no news on the job front, and I know what I want most out of my future, I just don't know how to get it. So there you go. Other than worrying about finding work, I'm obsessed with babies.
    posted by Tc @ 9:13 PM  
    2 Comments:
    • At 8/20/07, 9:08 AM, Blogger Dina said…

      I am sorry I didn't finish our convo on IM last night. I actually fell asleep at my desk and mom had to log me out of everything. I feel worse taking this stupid medication that I did beforehand. =(

      Anyways, I am glad that you know what you want. I hope you figure it out as to how to get it. And don't let retardman bring you down. He has absolutely no say in what job you decide to take and where. He lost that right when he did what he did.

       
    • At 8/20/07, 11:09 PM, Blogger Stacy said…

      I'm so right there with you girl..you have no idea. But be happy that you are actually putting yourself first for a change. I mean, you'll always put Gabby first..but you know what I mean. There's nothing more liberating that knowing what you want and doing whatever you can to get it. I know you'll get there..you're a determined woman who kicks ass and takes names. Right now you might not think you're where you need to be...but I'm sure that when you look back at all of this..you'll be happy that everything happened just the way it did. Love you.

       
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